I think I may be crazy

This is a question, statement, exclamation that I have considered and discussed with my friends many times before.  I’m around 98.67% sure I am nuts.  Then I wonder, do crazy people know they’re crazy or do they think they’re sane? The next thought is “Of course they don’t think they’re crazy! They think they’re sane....right?” It’s this circular reasoning that gets me all sorts of confused and then I just resign to the fact that I am, indeed, bat shit crazy.

Now you would think this may upset me or lead me to change my insane ways but, nay, I embrace it. I think if you can accept your crazy and just go with it, it’s less imposing to others...I think.

The following are examples of my insanity and my complete embracing of it:


I am an AWFUL person.  I don’t mean this in a self degrading way, but I mean it in truth.  I think awful things and most often say them but I find them funny.  Some people don’t.  I was having a conversation with a good friend the other day about an event that occurred.  In said event most people would be embarrassed or very consoling, but no...not me.  I just straight up asked the first question on my mind, “That’s it huh?”  Thank God I surround myself with people who love my blunt demeanor versus being offended because that could have gone SO POORLY.  Sane individuals have some form of social cues and I seem to be devoid of a lot of those aforementioned cues.

I have a wedding pinterest board.  Yep.  I said it.  I admit it.  It’s full of giant rings, cakes, flowers etc that at this point is nothing more than delusions of grandure due to the fact that I am single.  A lot of girls have them and don’t think its odd at all but if I were a guy I would be scared shitless.  Seeing all of these pinned expectations and desires is enough for any man to want to cheat on you with some low rent slut that only wants to dye her hair bleach blonde with brown as dirt roots.  She only needs some bleach and Wal Mart jewelry.  “What’s DSW,” she may ask as she tweets her feelings on her gaudy blinded out cell phone.  Even though the wedding pinterest board is in direct correlation with my failed relationships, I cannot and will not give it up.  That’s nuts.

I have recently decided that I am going to try to go Paleo.  I think that is enough of humor in and of itself that I do not need to explain my insanity any further.

I wrote this entire post while listening to Marry Me by Jason Derulo on repeat. Cool

Eat the chips, drink the wine,
S

Hey, y'all, I'm not dead

It's been a hot second since I have written anything.  A few reasons:
 1.  See prior post
 2. I've had too many feelings and not enough time to sit and write about them so I just drank them
 3. See prior excuses

  So the last two weeks, I have been in attempts to drown in work and wine.  Seemed like a legit thing to do.  I have been on a few dates but that is a conversation for another time and another place. Let's talk about things I have eaten and weird sh*t that has happened to me at work.

Let's start with work.  Saw a patient who legit went to the "chiropractor" and was told to hold a piece of copper which would then shorten the effected leg....Ok.... When the woman told us that she took this kid there, I kid you not, we all started laughing at her. She was not pleased.  It was in that moment that I could truly grasp what morons the world possesses.  The woman looked sane.  Normal clothes, normal attitude, then WHAM COPPER VOODOO LOVER.  I just don't know.  Maybe you're into all of the CAM (complimentary alternative medicine) (I sound SO smart), but it's just for the birds if you ask me and since you're on my blog you have probably some interest in my smart ass comments.

Let's move to eating and drinking away my feelings, which is super mentally healthy.  Guy I have been on a few dates with brought me food from his fancy I have a job work dinner.  Here is the roster of amazing food from Del Frisco's (since I didn't go I won't pretend to know what it looked like in there but he went in a tie and slacks so it seems way beyond my realm of eating knowledge) Steak, and I mean a GIANT steak, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, caesar salad (I know it's a super fancy place when there are anchovies in the to-go box, amazing yet disgusting), sweet potato fries and this dessert that was, no lie, bigger than my fist.  It was white chocolate, coconut, pie thingy goodness and it's still in my fridge (half of it) and is calling my name now that I am talking about it.  One true way to really try to impress me is to feed me.  Easy enough. This guy just nailed it out of the park.  He could have asked me to do anything and I would've for the steak solely.  If that makes me a food slut, I don't want to be right.

Next foodgasm: I have had In-&-Out and I have seen the Jesus of the fast food hamburger.  Was it just a hamburger you ask. Yes. But what is so special you may say.  I CANT EXPLAIN IT! But I cant wait to go back.

One more food event.  I went to a Greek cafe tonight by myself.  Zorba's is right down the street from my I-may-get-stabbed-holy-hell-get-up-the-elevator suit super fancy abode and I have been having a stuffed grape leaves craving like none other.  So I went by myself and I loved every second of it.  I am around 86% sure that people felt bad for me but nay, I say, nay.  I felt bad for them.  I ordered what I wanted and judged the hell out of everyone.  Impressively, I was please with what I saw around me.  Families, dates, and just people enjoying each other in this adorable homey style restaurant that served AMAZING Greek food.

After I left Zorba's I drove around for a bit and realized that I am happy just by myself out here.  I get to do what I want, when I want and I am starting to feel like an adult.  Texas kind of has captured my heart and makes me want to actually come back here to possibly live.

Well see if I feel like that a month from now but until then I'll just drink and keep on keeping on.

Eat the gyros, and grape leaves, and greek potatoes....and drink the wine,
S

Being Dumped

Yep.  I was dumped.  I couldn't decide if I wanted to write about this or not but I think this will help me heal, I guess.

  I'm embarrassed.  I fell head over heels for this guy and now I am alone in a hotel room in Texas, with just jeans on (because I couldn't pull myself together to get ready the rest of the way), puffy faced and just broken feeling.  I tend to have a flair for the dramatic but I'll tell you one thing about me.  When I love someone, I go all the way.  I mean every word I say and know how I feel very quickly.  This time it was reciprocated and, honestly, I thought that this was going to be it.  We talked about how we felt for each other, what the future would be like, etc.  He hugged me from behind while I cooked and asked what he could do to help.  Then, I moved to Texas and my perfect relationship fell apart.

  I can't blame him for doing what he felt was right but I damn sure can be hurt by it.  I feel like my happiness just came tumbling down around me.  I know I shouldn't base my happiness on another person but a lot of times thats bullshit and we all know it.  I shared many intimate aspects of myself with this guy and I feel betrayed and hurt though I know that isn't what was intended. My time out here was about me and my learning but I always knew I wasn't truly alone because I had him to lean on. Now I don't.   It's selfish but I think I can be that way right now.

  I know everything I have worked so hard for is right in my grasp.  Though the career I have chosen is hard on me and those who love me, I still love it and I am good at it.  I like Texas a lot and would love to end up here possibly.  I just thought he would be with me.

  I am truly blessed with great friend who will listen to my sob my eyes out on the phone for an hour, two or three.  They check up on me even though they aren't here and tell me they wish they were.  They love me and want me to be happy but it's very hard right now.  I can't express how much I wish I were with them and they were letting me ugly cry while I eat mac and cheese out of a pot and guzzle wine.

  Do I wish things were different? Hell yes.  Does part of me want to be back with him eventually, yes. Do I like that? I don't know.  I won't lie to anyone about how I feel nor apologize but I hate being weak.  I think this blog as allowed me to start being able to accept my feelings and work through them. I still love him and I do think I honestly will for a very long time if not for the rest of my life.  I just wish things were different.

Now taking suggestions on things to emotionally eat,
S

Eating and Feelings...All in One Post

  I'll admit.  This week was hard.  It was hard in ways that I was prepared for...then it was hard in ways you will never be able to prepare yourself for.  When the end of this hectic week, which seemed to all blur together, ended, I was lonely.  Coming back to an empty hotel room to the expectations of nothing is a pretty big hit in the gut.  I know a lot of other people in my program also may have felt this feeling,  but this blog is about me so there.

  At first (aka the first like 2 hours) I was ok with the silence, the solitude, the alone.  After that it hit me.  I really am all alone in a city where I only know people from the clinic and that was hard.  All of my friends, family, and my one boyfriend (more than that would just be a mess), were a thousand miles away. All of my friends (or so it felt) would be at the Gator game this weekend and I would be stuck here by my lonesome.  It's understandable, people have lives and they're busy, but I had an only child lonely moment and could not handle it.  So I drank two beers, cried, and watched Game of Thrones for 6 hours with out pants on.  That was my Friday night.

After I wallowed in my own self pity Friday night, I woke up to Saturday with plans to just try to enjoy myself.  So I went to eat, my favorite past time.  It was suggested to eat at an establishment called Whiskey Cake.  Yes, you read right, Whiskey Cake.  It was awesome to say the least.  The weapon of choice this day was brunch and as one of my very best friends likes to say "Bitches love brunch." That they do.  So with my hair looking big and bitchy (a saying from my mother for fabulous hair) I sat down at the bar in my Gator PFG and ordered a bloody mary (Bloody will be its title from here on out).  The bartender was friendly and was clad in what went with the prohibition-esque, farm-esque, theme that the restaurant had going on.  Bartender then offers me the last of the Bacon and some spicy thing flavored vodka.  Duh, yes I'm getting that for the Bloody.  He then informed me that most of their offerings were local (so hipster and cool) and that pretty much everything was great.  I chose the B.E.L.T.  Bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato WITH a fried green tomato.  I am forever won over by the FGT. Here is what I ate:

 

  After my delicious lunch, I decided to treat myself to a new phone case.  Get crazy, I know.  I then watched my Gators beat Tennessee at a place called the Fox and Hound Bar and Grille, with an e.  It was nice to be surrounded by complete strangers who were legitimately happy to meet me.  We drank beer (yay!), and watched football (Yay again!).  

Being able to conquer my feelings is something of a big deal for me.  I can have the tendency to get lost in how I feel at the moment and not be able to look forward to what could be a great experience.  This experience continuous to teach me medically, but also personally.  So today, I think I will enjoy my chores that I have to do with a PSL in hand, watch the Falcons play some football, and cook myself something good, because that's what makes me happy.

Eat the chips and drink the wine,

S

Do I Even Have Feet Anymore?

Today was weird.  Weird is the only word I could use because not only do my feet hurt feel like painful pirate peg legs, I also was shot down in the OR today...and I kind of liked it? I don't know.  The jury is still out.  There is nothing more humiliating than being in a room with smart people when the main smart person tells you "No, that's not right."  It's a special feeling.  I would describe it as a sense of crawl in a hole and die mixed with "SH*T WHY DID I EVEN OPEN MY MOUTH?!" I guess I'm a sadomasochist, because now that I think back on the day, it was a special and unique experience.  I learned from the situation and yadda yadda yadda....



I bumbled through the rest of my day.  Came home (and by home I mean to the QT ((if you don't know what a QT is ,here.)) and ate healthy food.  Ok that's a lie too. I ate a bag of salsa verde Doritos, which RULED with a Coke Icee.  If you know me at all you know Icees are one of my sources of weakness as well as an emotional crutch.  I then proceeded to eat/drink said gourmet in my bed without pants on. It ruled.  I then finished out tonight's 4 course meal, after a quick siesta  (I AM SO TEXAS RIGHT NOW) with Progresso light Chicken Noodle and a dessert of a Kind bar.

After all of today, I guess I am really very grateful.  I learned what is like to be wrong and that I didn't die from humiliation so that's a plus, I suppose.  Maybe I'll start drinking wine and reading my very enthralling night read, Essentials of Musculoskeletal Care 4.  I'll report back on how buzzed studying goes soon.

Eat the chips, drink the wine
S

I guess I'll start a blog and my new found Trader Joe's Obsession

  So...
  Currently, I should be reading about acromioclavicular separations, joint injections, partial and full rotator cuff tears and the like (sounds smart, right?)....but I'm not.  I decided to do this thing anonymously so I can get a job after this ridiculous year of moving, stress eating (and drinking), and working out excessively reading Game of Thrones (yeah, get your judgement out now).  This blog is going to be whatever I'm eating at the time, how I feel about whats going on around me in Plano, Texas (or wherever my next rotation is going to be stationed...perhaps Mars), or whatever else I want to write.  If you like it, cool.  If not, your problem.

  I went to Trader Joe's as a non-hippie, recent Plano transplant yesterday...and I LOVED IT.  I wanted to buy all of the cool, organic, gluten free crap I could get my hands on but I ,shockingly, practiced some self control.  This is what normally happens when I buy crap like that.

            This is all going on in my mind just an FYI:
                      "OMG, I'm going to be so healthy when I buy this gluten free, hemp, organic, made without tears of African children, bread.  I am going to work out and wear lulu lemon and eat this amazing bread with almond butter and LOVE IT.  This will definitely compliment these unsalted nuts that I will eat only 5 of because that is the serving size.  I will finish this out with a refreshing tea and feel 100% satisfied."  Fast forward to when I get home and start making this nonsense. "Mmm, not that bad...I kinda like cardboard...I guess.." "Well, that was a good snack...OK it wasn't good." Then I proceed to eat either all of it because I'm starving or say f**k it and go get Sonny's (not here in good ole Plano) and drink a bottle of wine.

Today, I just bought what I needed and I am proud.  I've been told its the small things in life that we should celebrate.  I guess that means I'll have a glass of wine for my own bit of self control.

Drink the wine, eat the chips,
  S