Being Dumped

Yep.  I was dumped.  I couldn't decide if I wanted to write about this or not but I think this will help me heal, I guess.

  I'm embarrassed.  I fell head over heels for this guy and now I am alone in a hotel room in Texas, with just jeans on (because I couldn't pull myself together to get ready the rest of the way), puffy faced and just broken feeling.  I tend to have a flair for the dramatic but I'll tell you one thing about me.  When I love someone, I go all the way.  I mean every word I say and know how I feel very quickly.  This time it was reciprocated and, honestly, I thought that this was going to be it.  We talked about how we felt for each other, what the future would be like, etc.  He hugged me from behind while I cooked and asked what he could do to help.  Then, I moved to Texas and my perfect relationship fell apart.

  I can't blame him for doing what he felt was right but I damn sure can be hurt by it.  I feel like my happiness just came tumbling down around me.  I know I shouldn't base my happiness on another person but a lot of times thats bullshit and we all know it.  I shared many intimate aspects of myself with this guy and I feel betrayed and hurt though I know that isn't what was intended. My time out here was about me and my learning but I always knew I wasn't truly alone because I had him to lean on. Now I don't.   It's selfish but I think I can be that way right now.

  I know everything I have worked so hard for is right in my grasp.  Though the career I have chosen is hard on me and those who love me, I still love it and I am good at it.  I like Texas a lot and would love to end up here possibly.  I just thought he would be with me.

  I am truly blessed with great friend who will listen to my sob my eyes out on the phone for an hour, two or three.  They check up on me even though they aren't here and tell me they wish they were.  They love me and want me to be happy but it's very hard right now.  I can't express how much I wish I were with them and they were letting me ugly cry while I eat mac and cheese out of a pot and guzzle wine.

  Do I wish things were different? Hell yes.  Does part of me want to be back with him eventually, yes. Do I like that? I don't know.  I won't lie to anyone about how I feel nor apologize but I hate being weak.  I think this blog as allowed me to start being able to accept my feelings and work through them. I still love him and I do think I honestly will for a very long time if not for the rest of my life.  I just wish things were different.

Now taking suggestions on things to emotionally eat,
S